Don’t be Too Busy for Meaningful Friendships & Relationships with Family
You’ll End up Regretting it at the End of Life
People think being busy is a badge of honor. They wear it pridefully as if to affirm their self-importance.
‘I’m just too busy’ they’ll say when asked to meet or even have a phone conversation to catch up. ‘You know how it is’ they’ll add. ‘Life is just crazy’ or ‘I can’t seem to stay on top of things.’
Well, some of these reasons may be true — partially.
And other times it’s just a blatant exaggeration from someone who’s allowed themselves to get caught up in the belief that staying busy is good and relationships won’t add value to their lives.
Busy can mean productive. And since society values productivity in a “doing culture,” that’s exactly what it promotes. Sometimes that means handling our business, providing for a family, multi-tasking chores, and finding leisure time when possible.
So what about having close relationships?
I suppose that’s only possible if there’s time left over.
Or one makes it a priority.
REGRETS OF THE DYING
Bronnie Ware wrote the well-known book “The 5 Regrets of the Dying.”
Number 4 on her list:
“I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
These regrets come from her bedside interviews with the dying during her days as a hospice nurse. After collecting similar stories from many of the nearly departed, she found common themes among them.
They say we choose our friends but not our family.
Often, we’re not even “friends” with some of our family members. Other times we outright detest one another.
But if we’re lucky, a family member, like a brother, may become a dear friend. That is how it happened with me & my twin brother.
After non-stop feuding and quarreling in our teen years, my twin brother had sworn he wanted nothing to do with me. We had shared a room since birth and needed space.
He left for Arizona after high school and told me not to follow. Since our extended family lived there and I would attend college at Arizona State University, I chose not to listen.
When my twin brother had some health and personal problems soon after moving to Arizona, my Grandpa commanded me to go live with him. He’d never given me an order like that. But I’m so glad he did.
By obeying my Grandpa and trusting his wisdom, not only did I help my twin brother get his life back on track, but it also set us up to have a lifelong friendship and mutual respect for one another.
We continue to be in close contact today.
Had my Grandpa not intervened, I might have missed out on one of the most rewarding relationships of my life.
GET OVER YOURSELF
Learning how to get over yourself and your pettiness may save some of your earthly relationships — with friends or family alike — and bring deep fulfillment from the kinship it provides.
You see, we are petty individuals.
It’s a young mind, an emotionally immature person, who will save up all that animosity and resentment. It’s a bruised ego that will refuse to give in and ‘have the conversation’ necessary for the two parties to heal from a disagreement.
It’s stubbornness that may prompt you to store up that emotional poison.
While it harms the person who harbors the resentment, it also robs both of you from a relationship that could have been salvaged.
These resentments we hold close to our chests don’t allow love in.
As we come nearer to death, we’ll see that learning to love and forgive was all that mattered.
There’s a poignant scene in the thriller Old by M. Night Shyamalan where a couple from Philadelphia begins aging rapidly on a mysterious beach while on vacation. As they grow old before each others’ eyes, they recount everything they held against one another.
Before they long, as their memories deteriorate, they can’t remember why they held the grudges in the first place. They realize their folly and soon remember the affection they once had for one another.
The couple dies peacefully having given up their human grievances.
THE TOO BUSY EPIDEMIC
As we get older and life brings us more responsibilities, it’s easy to get caught up in the “I’m too busy” routine.
It’s our go-to excuse and is an ‘easy out’ if people try to burden us with more responsibility on our already full plate.
If you’re juggling a job, spouse, kids, pets, and even a role in the community that requires your time, it’s a lot. Let’s be clear.
So maybe midlife wakes a person up from their frenzied state?
Sometimes nothing short of an ego death from a powerful plant medicine ceremony will get a person to see that perhaps their judgments, wounding, resentments, and anger may be keeping them from repairing what could be valuable and rewarding relationships with people from their past.
Sometimes we fall out of touch with people like I did with my oldest friend from childhood, only to reconnect with him when he & his family visited the town in Mexico where I live.
We didn’t see each other when I was in my hometown for several years. He had a busy career and family responsibilities. It took me ages to ‘get over’ the story I made up about him, the secret envy I had over his success, or to finally release my grudge about not getting invited to his wedding.
It was natural to reconnect. And it was good to see him and finally get to know his wife and meet his kids. If nothing more comes from this brief encounter, we won’t regret not making contact in our adult lives.
And I can now be happy for him, his success, and his beautiful family.
WHEN DEATH COMES TOO SOON
I’m not talking about your death. I’m talking about theirs.
You know, the ones you love and care for. Even the ones you used to love but maybe had a falling out with.
The prospect of losing those you love ought to be the biggest wake-up call and impetus to right your relationships before it’s too late. We think we have an eternity, but we don’t know who will be taken from this earth before their time.
Resentment runs in my family.
I first noticed it in the older generations. They, in turn, made sure the younger generations knew about the family curse through oral tradition. They did this through the stories of the past they told with scorn and the unsavory people they encountered.
When a family continues to tell a story of how things are, the younger ones listening learn how to behave in the world.
Forgiveness can be taught. But so can resentment, jealousy, suspicion, and hatred.
I knew for a time that my father and his brother weren’t speaking to one another over a private dispute. My uncle harbored deep resentment from that situation. That went on for more than a decade.
But he didn’t stop there — he also let a disagreement get between him and his lifelong best friend, Jeff, sever their relationship.
It took Jeff’s wife calling up my uncle and pleading with him to stop this standoff between two egos — and over what?
When the two old friends finally met on neutral turf to clear the air, they discovered their long-standing disagreement was a simple misunderstanding. Each person had perceived the events through their lens, but neither knew the other person’s side.
Up to that point, both men were unwilling to have a conversation. It took Jeff’s wife calling my uncle to tell him he was missing out on seeing her little boy grow up.
That got them to the table to work things out.
They soon became best buds again and even started working together.
Not long after they reconciled, Jeff passed away from cancer.
Imagine the regret my uncle would have had if he never got the call from Jeff’s wife to squash whatever perceived beef they had.
LAST WORDS
If you’ve lost relationships with those still living, you have time. You can humble yourself and make the first move.
Humility and vulnerability are two traits you’ll need to develop.
For many people, especially men, these are unfamiliar emotional waters. They’d rather keep up their gruff mask, flaunt their arrogance, and uphold their self-righteousness — all to preserve a false sense of self.
This kind of pride is not a good thing.
When you get close enough to death, you’ll realize it didn’t serve you. Perhaps it protected your sense of dignity. Perhaps it helped you affirm your values.
Or it could keep someone at bay who was toxic.
But people can and do change and everyone deserves a second chance. They at least deserve to be heard. Ignoring a person completely when they reach out is a form of silent abuse and can be very damaging.
You never know. Like my uncle, you may find that your resentment was simply a misunderstanding — a big reason some relationships remain in disrepair.
All it takes is two people willing to come to the table to discuss their differences with civility.
- Practice listening without judgment.
- Develop compassion for others going through this life experience.
- We’re all doing our best from our current state of consciousness.
- We all make mistakes.
If we’re willing to learn from our mistakes, we can admit when we’re wrong, forgive those who’ve wronged us, and come to a mutual understanding.
Non-violent communication is a good way to approach difficult conversations for better outcomes. Then you come with an open heart and mind, and a generous ear to listen without the usual filters and defense mechanisms that block connection.
“Everyone misses their friends when they are dying,” Bronnie writes.
May you find the courage to heal your past relationships and strengthen your current relationships, so that you don’t die with regrets.
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